In a leaked memo, Elon Musk sent every employee in Tesla his six rules for productivity. Unsurprisingly, they are good.

I had to laugh when I compared it to what we did in the police — and I bet they are still doing it.

#1. Leave a meeting if you are not contributing.

Walk out of a meeting or hang up the phone the moment you realise you are not contributing. If you are not adding value — get the hell out of there. It is not rude to leave, it is rude to waste other people’s time.

I once got up to walk out of a meeting —…

MISCHIEF-MAKING

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13⅓, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.

You Noticed Something Wrong

All it took was a quick glance and you focussed on the one number. The odd one. The one that didn’t fit. Everything was nice and neat and orderly until a mischievous monkey added ‘⅓’.

I’ve been doing it with my articles.

Adding the odd little phrase or a paragraph of outright stupidity.

Take my Chicken Testicle Soup for example. You can read about it here:

It is nice that some readers noticed and mentioned it. Although, it never ceases…

№3 son, my youngest. He was always a cute kid.

He had the brightest winning smile. He learned fast — from his older brothers. Precocious, because he started younger.

I took him to play golf. Halfway up the 2nd hole, he scuffed his shot, and it dribbled a few yards ahead. I could see his shoulders hunch and his bottom lip moue.

№3 son marched up to the ball and took another swing — too fast. He made a divot the size of a doormat.

He took another swing at the ball and missed. He threw his club to the…

The next time you drive the 1/2 mile or so to the ice cream parlour, consider the fuel your body requires to make that journey — a tiny morsel — not a triple vanilla cone covered in chocolate sauce.

And if you choose to walk it — a carrot, a turkey sandwich, or a packet of M&Ms? Which will provide your body with the optimum nutrition?

We don’t normally think of exercise in these terms. We eat when we are hungry or bored or because it is 12:30 and it’s lunchtime.

I researched the incredible feats of four ultra runners…

I’m afraid of knives.

I’m afraid of drowning.

I’m afraid of being outnumbered.

I’m afraid of being wrongly accused.

I’m afraid of what people can do to a child.

I’m afraid of a baseball bat in the hands of a drunk.

I’m afraid of what I might find in a house that smells bad.

I’m afraid when someone puts a match to their petrol soaked top.

I’m afraid when driving fast to the scene of a pileup on a motorway.

I faced all those fears

I was a cop for 30 years. As a British police officer, I didn’t carry a firearm. I had no…

I opened the door to find a potbellied, unsmiling police sergeant in full uniform standing on our doorstep.

“I’m Sergeant Bruxton. I’m here to do your home visit,” said Sergeant Bruxton. His voice gruff and his eyes bore into me like he wanted to slap me on the face.

In days of old, when prospective police officers passed all the checks needed, the final stage in the process was a home visit from a local sergeant. The sergeant would, in theory, identify those who were perhaps not suitable because of intemperate personal circumstances.

Were they living in a cesspit?

Don’t…

WRITTEN WITH TONGUE FIRMLY IN CHEEK

So, I really respect a lot of writers here. I often read writing advice and usually, there is much that I like about it. This sometimes makes my writing much better — probably.

What Little Words Should You Delete From Your Writing To Make It Zing?

Answer: All those mentioned in the subtitle, I’m told, and everything in my opening sentence.

I learned this from a respected writer. Do you feel a ‘but’ coming?

I like big buts.

BUT

Right after he told me not to use these words, he started a sentence with ‘So,’.

I scrolled back up and read the list again. …

Corporate Jargon

It is infuriating to those of us who have to sit through meetings and listen to the latest buzzwords from people who like the sound of their own voices.

Sir Winston Churchill had particular scorn for those who used it. One day in the House of Commons, on hearing an M.P. use the phrase ‘accommodation unit’, he shot to his feet, stretched his arms out wide and exploded into song:

“Accommodation Unit, Accommodation Unit, there’s no place like Accommodation Unit.”

There is no occupation safe from a cringe-worthy catchphrase, including mine — crime. …