A Countdown of the Funniest Replies Cops Gave to Lawyers in Court.

Five, four, three, two, and the winner.

Malky McEwan
6 min readJan 16, 2021


Photo by Brian Lundquist on Unsplash

Is there anything more satisfying than a country bumpkin cop getting one over a hotshot lawyer?

These are my top five favourites — based on how long and how hard I laughed.

#5. Courtesy of Simon Foster.

Around 30 years ago, I was serving on a jury in Isleworth Crown Court in West London. One case was for the theft of a speedboat.

Police dispatchers had taken the report of the recent theft of a speedboat and radioed a description of the vehicle and trailer involved.

A crew making their way to the scene saw a car towing a trailer passed in the opposite direction, a speedboat sat on the trailer. The crew did a U-turn, switched on his blue lights and siren, and went after it. The driver failed to stop.

After a short chase, the driver crashed into a hedge, abandoned his car and climbed a fence into the back gardens of a row of houses. To assist in the search of the gardens, they called for the dog-handler.

The relatively young defence barrister gave the officers a hard time. He’d questioned their powers, their recall and their honesty.

Then it was the turn of the dog-handler. He gave his evidence relating to the search for the suspect in the gardens. He described how he went into each garden and released the dog so it could check the area.

“Rex let me know he found someone.”

The defence barrister jumped on the opportunity. His question and the subsequent reply from the dog-handler had the court descend into laughter- except for the barrister and his client.

“How did he let you know? Did he shout out, ‘he’s over here’?”

The officer, who had to that point been absolutely factual, glanced at the Judge then looked the Barrister straight in the eye and said,

“No, he barked.”

#4. Courtesy of Bob Hammett